I want to walk on stilts...naked
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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