woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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