He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize