why didn't you poke me back
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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