Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Randomize
