I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
