I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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