my phone needs a breathalizer
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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