I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
