apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
