I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
