I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
