You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
