I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
