What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize