In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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