there's paper in my vomit.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Randomize
