life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
You're earring is so big in my mouth
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Randomize
