In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
