not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
