p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Randomize
