You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
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