I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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