i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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