You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
