dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
