remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
