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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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