The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Randomize