he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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