She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
