why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
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