Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Randomize
