I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Help. Why am I so naked?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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