So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
