I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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