I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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