I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
