I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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