you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
