this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
