I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Randomize