Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
