I'm lost and stupid without you.
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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