We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
