i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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