We're facebook friends in real life
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
