I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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