saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
