Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
