Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
