Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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