True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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