My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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