i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Randomize
