I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
